“No, Tom. For the last time, there will not be any free sandwiches,” groaned an ashen-faced Seumas Milne, raking an exasperated hand through his thinning hair. “And Shami, I think I know what you’re going to ask and the answer is no – you cannot, and I repeat cannot, claim your three hundred pounds attendance allowance for this.”
Milne leaned pitifully on his elbows against a shabby wooden lectern and gazed grimly upon the assembled members of Jeremy Corbyn’s Shadow Cabinet. They sat in three unruly rows upon a mismatched assortment of plastic swivel chairs, wooden seats and Chesterfield armchairs they had dragged in from their respective offices.
Some of them disinterestedly thumbed their mobile phones and some muttered bitterly under their breath. Diane Abbott lifted up a black veil and briefly checked her face in a compact mirror. At least someone, thought Milne, was taking this halfway seriously.
I am sure that all the contributors to Going Postal appreciate the high standard of puns provided by me on a regular basis. No, no, no need for any thanks, your warm comments and the regular ‘coat’ piccies are thanks enough. I am very pleased to report that I have purchased three new joke books from Amazon and I am putting the final touches to a Christmas Pun Special, How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad! You know the drill by now! I can imagine you are getting a bit excited!
But it may surprise you to know I am not just GP’s self-appointed Pun Master but I am also a highly prized academic from the University of Dewsbury where I received a double first in Philosophy, Politics and Eid.
I am worried that due to the real complex nature of our political system, some of you may feel a little left behind, but fear not Hippo’s like to help and the Flying one is no exception.
I have picked four of our favourite politicians and put together a short biography on each one, just pertinent facts so you are fully informed. This will enable you to impress your friends no end down the pub on a Friday night.
Name: Kippeario Tarquin Fred McKipperson IV
Dear Mr Trump.
I am applying for the role of Secretary of State for Melting the Snowflakes. I have great experience melting snowflakes. As someone who attends University and is not an extreme leftard. I experience special snowflakes on a daily basis. So I have great personal experience with snowflakes. Furthermore after nearly 3 years of going to university I have FUCKING SHIT TONES OF FUCKING MOTIVATION TO FUCKING MELT THOSE FUCKING FUCKERS!